Our Little Experiment
Feeding. It’s a simple little word, implying to most people the act of opening a bottle or tin or packet of something, and just consuming it. For us though – for sanguine Vampyres – it’s not quite as simple as that. Curious to note the effects of feeding, feeding in increased amounts, and then feeding less again, my Donor and I set about conducting our own private experiment.
I often wondered about the physical effects of feeding. Sure, I already knew it made me feel “normal”, healthy and energetic. It would lift me out of a mire of negativity and fatigue into the clear altitudes of – well, “normality” and well-being.
Having an in-depth discussion about the matter with my Donor one feeding, she suggested an experiment for the very purposes behind every experiment is conducted – to see what would happen.
She is fascinated by the change in me, from before feeding, to after. As an empath and a psychic, she is very sensitive to these things – and even when I am vamping out and thinking I am hiding it quite well, she knows. It helps to have a compassionate and caring Donor.
Nobody understands the feeling of ‘vamping out’, as it is so eloquently put, like a Vampyre. You begin to get moody, irritated, aggressive, fatigued, depressed, edgy – and sometimes just like a junkie needing a fix. Only thing is, there isn’t anything in the blood that can actually cause a chemical dependency, is there? Well, is there? Least of all one that could cause you to need it before you’ve even had it. According to scientists, no. According to religion, well – there’s a whole issue about consuming blood – including human blood – at all.
Judeo-Christianity states that “the life of any creature is in the blood. The blood is the life.” and henceforth it is forbidden within the confines of this religious grouping to consume the blood of a creature. Jehovah’s Witnesses also have an embargo on blood consumption and blood products, including life-saving transfusions, based solely on this belief. Even in earlier religions, blood was seen as the “food of the gods”, hence the practice of blood sacrifice and the reservation of blood consumption for the gods alone.
Vampyres believe that living blood contains life – and that this life is just what we need, what our being craves and shorts in natural supply – necessitating our vampyrism. What the reason for our shortage is, we do not know, but we experience it first-hand, emerging alone in the dark of ignorance and self-doubt, to seek the truth for ourselves.
What’s it like to Hunger? What’s it like to ‘vamp out’? Let me give you an example by means of a quote from a dear friend, a blood-sister of mine:
“Dear diary, this morning I woke up and pondered about the fluffiness of paganism and how it’s killing my chances of starting a House. By the second bottle of wine I decided little could be done. By lunch time I was ready to kill a kitten. Alas the scarcity of blood was getting all too much. It would have been a pretty standard day if I hadn’t broken down shortly after tea time and destroyed yet another cupboard door.”
Yes, a typical day vamping out for a young Vampyre – and sometimes even for a not so young Vampyre. Control is something to be learned and of great value, but it never really gets easier, does it?
Below is my journal of the experiment. I made notes of my feedings, feelings, and any changes I noticed – both physical and in terms of emotions.
Friday 27 Jan: We used small diabetic insulin syringes for the feed. In total I had about 160cc, 2 full syringes. Due to clots and blockages, we used up 3 syringes in total. When I was feeding and I felt her energy joining mine it was like pure ecstasy. It was a rush, almost as good as sex. My swan checked my eyes shortly after ingesting the blood, and told me that my eyes changed color again, and went dark. My eyes are normally a hazel color, and she reported that they had turned a darker brown shade, and that my pupils were dilated.
Saturday 28 Jan: I routinely check my eyes in the mirror with a flashlight every morning to monitor changes in color, if any. I have just been curious to find out if blood affects our eye color. The white LED flash light highlights the grey and blue areas of my irises. This morning there was a small area of dark brown in my left eye which I never saw before.
Although I normally feed once a week, usually over a weekend, my Donor decided that as part of this experiment, she would feed me every day over the weekend, nothing through the week, and then only next weekend again.
This evening, she again gave me 2 full syringes, but by now her technique had improved and we only used one syringe, which I drained by simply discharging the contents down my throat. This worked quite well. This time there was no rush at all, which leads me to think that last nights rush was due to not feeding for a week, whereas today it had barely been 24 hours since my last feed. Because my energy had been topped up, there was no rush, although I did feel “better” and noticed easier breathing for one, strange as it may seem, and a slight boost in alertness and energy.
Sunday 29 Jan: No feed. Noticeable energy increase and more alert. Physical energy good, emotional stability good. Eyes more light sensitive than usual.
Monday 30 Jan: No feed. No noteworthy change in condition. Increased light sensitivity of eyes. Energy increase continues to be in effect. Physical energy good, emotional stability good. Left eye, brown specks in 7 o’clock position joined by larger brown fleck in 5 o’clock position. Right eye, large patch of brown in upper portion of iris. Lower half more gray-blue now.
Tuesday 31 Jan: No feed. Morning noticed more brown specks appear left eye top part iris. Had very hard time emotionally, turmoil, aggression, anger. Hesitant to attribute this to the blood, seems more likely circumstantial.
Wednesday 1 Feb: small feed. No noticeable visible effects.
Thursday 2 Feb: No feed, slight increase in dark brown flecks right eye, top. Ears very sensitive, find sounds irritating and distracting.
Friday 3 Feb: No feed. Mood still stable, energy still very good. No further noticeable changes.
Monday 6 Feb: irritability, jealousy manifest. Assume start of vamping out session. Extreme fatigue begins to manifest.
Tuesday 7 Feb: 1 week since last feed. Extreme fatigue continue through the day. Body aches beginning. Vamping out feeling is much more intense much more quickly. No further eye color changes. Started experiencing the physical hunger associated with the Hunger. Nibbled on light snacks all day before realizing.
Wednesday 8 Feb: I slept through the night from 9pm and still as tired as before. Body still has aches this mng. The hunger is gnawing at me. The body hungers but there is no room to eat. Eating will not help. Experience confirms this, so I must resist eating excessively.
Sunday 12 Feb: had a feeding, 2 syringes full. Skin is glowing, fine lines around eyes even finer and barely visible. Energy high.
Tuesday 14 Feb: had a highly aggressive phase this morning. Was stung on one finger by a bee funny enough. Worked hard physically all day, putting up a 6m awning in the garden and a large shelf in the garage, and kept right on going. Cleaned the garage afterwards. Even though my body hurts, and I am cut and bruised, I am still like a powerhouse of energy. Eye color still constant.
Wednesday 15 Feb: the lines around my eyes are almost invisible today! Hard for anyone to say that I have 39 years. Feel energized, alert, even though my hands and fingers still hurt from all the injuries sustained yesterday – which have almost completely healed overnight. It seems the worst ones linger a little while the minor ones no longer bother me. The effects seem to be cumulative.
Friday 17 Feb: Was very agitated with my phone – was still giving me trouble despite everything I tried, including reloading the OS three times and backing up the data. When the touch pad stopped working, I lost my temper, totally destroyed it. Feel like an idiot after that, glad nobody saw it. Need to feed soon again.
Saturday 18 Feb: Donor busy, won’t have time for a feed till I get back from my trip out of town. Not good.
Monday 20 Feb: Going away on holiday today – haven’t fed since the 12th, beginning to feel the effects of Hunger. Not going to see Donor until I get back in 5 days. Anger easily triggered. The room was awful, not the one we were expecting, smaller, less amenities. Becoming very negative. Want to sleep all the time. Just want to go home.
Tuesday 21 Feb: Increase in aggression, moodiness. Agitated with everything. Nothing is right, everything is going wrong. Snapped at people a few times, feel bad for it afterwards. Dreams at night of blood and feeding, sometimes violently. In quiet moments, I catch myself thinking of feeding.
Wednesday 22 Feb: Maintaining total emotional control difficult. Hard to be calm, keep thinking of things that bring me down, hurt. Things that make me feel bad about myself. Keep having to remind myself it isn’t really how I feel, that it’s the Hunger. Look forward to getting back home, and to feed so I can be myself again. Spent four hours in the bath with one glass of red wine and some music.
Thursday 23 Feb: Day from Hell. While driving in town, hit a kerb, burst tire. Expensive. Maintaining total emotional control difficult. Trying hard to be cheerful and positive. Leaving for home tomorrow.
Friday 24 Feb: Finally back home. Donor came over, gave me a feeding. Relief!
Looking back, I now feel positive and calm and quite whole and capable. Of course, I know it will only last as long as I feed regularly – else life becomes a strain and a battle.
I hope this has given you a glimpse into what it’s like being a sanguine Vampyre – not all as rosy as you thought, is it? All those people who claim we are delusional, or play-acting may think they know what they are talking about – from their own experience – but from my experience, looking at them from my side of the stage – they don’t have a clue.
A blood sister of mine who recently lost her Donor sent me a quote of uncertain origin to describe the depths of her suffering during Hunger:
“And the angel of the lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber. And took me on high, and higher still until we moved to the spaces betwixt the air itself. And he brought me into a vast farmlands of our own midwest. And as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil. One thousand, nay a million voices full of fear. And terror possesed me then. And I begged, “Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?” And the angel said unto me, “These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the
holocaust.” And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat like the tears of one million terrified brothers and roared, “Hear me now, I have seen the light! They have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!” Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah? Thank you Jesus.
Life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life.
This is necessary.”
And so we continue, living life each day at a time. Knowing that what we need we cannot buy from a store, or find on a shelf at a supermarket, or visit a local doctor or clinic for.
We know that seeking help from those outside our community may result in even worse problems we don’t need, such as persecution, prosecution and alienation. While we desperately cling to every semblance of sanity and control, searching for what we need to fuel these trappings of modern society, some would act against us – even those whom we trust, thinking they would be acting in our best interests by pumping us full of drugs and placebos – when all we really need is a little life-blood. And so we hunger in silence, live in the shadows, feed in the shadows.
This is necessary.