What’s in a name?

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So what is in a name? Ask one of the guys over at christiansagainstnike.com and they’ll probably tell you that it’s a lot. But that would be somewhere in between the Bible verses and shill to buy their brand of Jesus approved sportswear. According to these fringe fundamentalists Jesus doesn’t want you wearing sinful pagan sportswear- but Satan does! One thing I can tell this group is that an expensive sports brand named after a Greek goddess is the least of their problems. And if they want to go down this road, then so be it; but they should know that it’s a lot more complicated than buying a Jesus approved t-shirt.

The Goddess Nike (Victory) on the hand of the Goddess Athena (Wisdom).

For starters I suggest the guys over at christiansagainstnike.com change the month and day names on their calendar. After all, January is named after the Roman God Janus who represented new beginnings, hence the first month in the New Year being named after him. The same goes for February, March, April, May, and June; which all have their name origins in pagan Roman religion. And let’s not forget that the days of the week are named after pagan gods too. They can just ask the closest Heathen (that’s if they dare be seen communicating with one of our ilk) where Thursday gets its name. They’ll probably get a resounding “THOR’S-DAY!” in reply. Every day one of these Christians say, “see you next Wednesday,” they may as well be saying ‘see you next Wodin’s day’. Every single day of the week is named after a pagan god. Every single one. Come to think of it, they should probably switch to a totally new calendar system.

Now that these Christians have set about doing away with Satan’s sportswear and that blasphemous calendar, they should probably consider their everyday vocabulary. Every time one of these Christian zealots says the word ‘cereal’ they may as well be worshipping the Greek goddess of grain, Ceres. Yes, my fundamentalist friends; your breakfast grain is named after another one of “Satan’s demons”. In fact, if you check the ingredients list on many of your favourite processed foods, you’ll probably find the word ‘cereal’; so you may want to ditch those as well just to be safe. And the same goes for many other words as well like atlas, echo, narcissist, chronology, chaos, hypnosis, nemesis and morphine. Actually, seeing as morphine is named after the Greek God Morpheus, you may want to rely on the grace of your God to see you through post-operative pain.

And if the supporters of christiansagainstnike.com really wanted to go all out after inventing their own calendar system and an entire new language, they could actually start going after other companies as well. Like drinking Starbucks coffee? Well you won’t anymore! Their logo is a siren, a femme fatale from Greek mythology. And why stop at your favourite coffee when you could also boycott brands like Trojan condoms (sorry, forgot you shouldn’t be using those either- my bad), Dove soap (Aphrodite’s symbol on a beauty bar), Olympus cameras, Ajax cleaning products, and the list goes on and on.

But we haven’t covered one of the worst ways Satan has infiltrated your life. The big red guy may very well have influenced two of the people you are closest- your own parents. Yes, those people who brought you into this life may very well have branded you with a name from Satan himself. Bridget, Angus, Chloe, Diana, Delia, Doris, Dion, Flora, Selena, Thoran, Bronwyn- I can go on? All these names, and many more, have their roots in pagan gods and goddesses. Every time you introduce yourself, “Hi, my name is Dion,” you may as well be telling the world that you are named after the Greek God of wine, the grape harvest and ritual madness. I would strongly suggest you change your name to something like David or John; you can’t go wrong with a good Hebrew name.

So you’ve changed your name, stopped wearing Satan-wear, boycotted plenty of major brands and local companies, and should at this stage be speaking a new language. You should have cleansed all the evil pagan influences from your life- right? Wrong. Satan, that conniving bogeyman, has sought to infiltrate the most sacred of your holy days. Even your Christmas and Easter has not been left untainted by paganism’s touch. All those chocolate bunnies and eggs you devour every April (oops, sorry- let’s just call it month four) are pagan fertility symbols. Even the very name of your holy-day, ‘Easter’ is named after the Germanic pagan goddess Eostre. Christmas isn’t safe either, what with all its customs having their roots in pagan Yule customs once again. As a matter of fact, a number of your Christian Holy-days have been tainted by paganism, so you may want to pick some more traditional ones out of the Bible and cleanse Easter and Christmas of all their pagan trappings.

The thing is, my dear fundamentalist friend, because historically our roots are pagan, it means that there are so many aspects of our everyday lives that are pagan in origin. Now you could follow my suggestions, but I think if you really want to save yourself some time, just go to the nearest Amish community and see if they won’t take you in. I’d say that would be your best bet at living a pagan-free existence in line with your Lord’s teachings. Besides, I hear that churning your own butter is a real hoot and a great work out to boot. But if you’re a bit too attached to your morning Starbucks fix, then maybe you should see about getting those blinkers removed so you can see just how ridiculous and pointless your crusade is. And perhaps get a new hobby; I hear scrapbooking is fun.

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Please note that this blog post is not intended to be an attack on supporters of the ‘Christians against Nike’ campaign. Rather, it is to point out how something as simple as what shirt you wear can be taken to extremes by the religious fundamentalists of our crazy world. To each his own…within good reason.

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